I surprise myself sometimes. Even at 34 years old, i still manage to surprise myself once in a while.

This weekend was one of those times, on a couple of counts.

I’m learning not to bail. I almost bailed Saturday evening, when I was going out to meet Ms. SugarWilla and the crew. I honestly expected I’d be out for … an hour or so, and wondered if it was “worth it”. Holy HELL was I wrong!! Meeting Suga (as I am wont to call her) was one of the highlights of my entire week! Day-am that girl’s a freakin’ ROCKstar.  I love her.

That was “huh” #1.

Huh #2 came when Suga told asked me to come visit during Stampede. I’ve never been… and yet, I’m planning on buyin’ a black cowboy hat and a flight to Calgary on a friday evening, coming home on Sunday evening. I’ma gonna spend the weekend in Calgary with Miss Suga, and I’m kinda excited.

Huh #3 came when I started talkin’ to, and crushing on, a fictional character. Now, this isn’t totally off track for me — I have a crush on Jaime too — but through the power that is Twitter, i did kinda start crushing on William Compton. Well, really - I continuned a crush I got from the series… pretty pretty man, hard NOT to crush on him…. but this is just … goofy. Silly even.

whatever…. clearly this is a week/weekend of surprises.

I went to hear Terra speak today, and she did a kick ass job. She had the whole room engaged and everything she said really resonated with everyone, so much so that Raul had mentioned we weren’t tweeting at all!

What really stuck in my craw from this afternoon were the comments from a woman named Donna, about how it was great we were working to remove stigma from within the blogging and social media community, but “what about the stigma that exists outside of online?”. She asked me specifically whether, if after I’d been diagnosed, I’d wanted to try and help the friends that I’d managed to lose during that period, through to seeing me without the depression stigma attached, and I bluntly said, no. No, I do not want to attempt to help them ’see the light’ so to speak. [I don’t know where to put this link, so I’m adding this - here’s where I ‘came out’ about my depression on this site.]

Those who didn’t understand where I was at that time, and those who have since ended their friendships with me for whatever reason, were only meant to be in my life for the period of time they were. Right now, the now that was then and the now that is now, I need(ed) to focus on my life, my health, and my livelihood. It was/is more important to me to feel good, be happy, strive for balance, and look for focus in my life, than it is for me to worry about others thoughts, perceptions and feelings. If that means that certain people lived on with their beliefs of there being a stigma attached to my diagnosis, so be it. There is nothing that I can do, without potentially causing a degree of harm to myself in some way, to help them through their own issues. It’s something they have to come to on their own - much like I did. They will, like I did, find the tools that works for them, to deal with what they have to deal with.

I know this sounds harsh and uncaring, but the truth of the matter is, if I don’t make an effort to take care of myself, who will?

I also had a problem with the use of the phrase “mental illness“. I am not ill. I am dealing with something - if you had diabetes (as one at the table pointed out) you would have diabetes, you would not be considered ill, and would be encouraged to take your insulin every day. If you are depressed, then you are considered ill because you take Cipralex & Wellburtrin every day. I got called out by Donna on the fact that I didn’t like to be called ill - she likened it to how I would feel if I had a cold. It’s not the same thing.

To me, and to Terra as well - who was the one to draw this connection -  mental illness is how you feel when you’ve stopped taking your medication. THAT’S when I feel ill. I feel “off registration”, which is how I describe it.

It may be, as we mentioned at Terra’s session, that we’re dealing in semantics here, but if unemployment insurance can become employment insurance, and learning disabilities can become learning difficulties or challenges, then why is depression, and all the different facets of what that can mean, still considered mental illness?

People - even people working in the mental health arena - need must realize that we’re all just as fucked up as the next person, and it affects each of us differently. We recognized in the presentation today that one person’s depression is different than another’s depression. We’re both classed as depressed, but it comes out, or affects us in different ways.

I wish the people working in the mental health world would realize that and find new ways to brand or label us. what we’ve got going on right now is not working.

Yeah, I admit I’m addicted to it too, but this was freakin’ funny.

Admit it. You’ve ALL had that moment when life sucks ass, everyone hates you and you’re down in the garden eating worms. Hell, if I have a day or two when I don’t take my meds, I get frustrated with the entire world, everyone pisses me off and you can’t say anything to me at all without me taking it the wrong way and flipping out on you. Yeah, I’m fun.

This weekend, Vancouver is hosting the first ever mental health camp. It’s one of those dreaded unconference thingys put on by my dear friend, Raul. I guess what happened is that at Northern Voice this year, there was a panel that dealt with depression and other mental illnesses, and how people can deal with them on a digital level through blogs and other social media tools. There was enough of a response to the panel (which didn’t have enough time to really get deep into the topic or discuss anything) that Raul decided Mental Health Camp was a no brainer (no pun intended).

One of my bestests, and a brilliant sidekick, Terra, is speaking on Saturday … she’s been classed as a mommyblogger (because - get this… she has a kid, and she blogs!!)  and I’m going to support her, play her cheerleader, calm her nerves and be a general rah rah girl.

If you’ve EVER faced any sort of shitty feelings, full on depression (and no, if you’re down or bummed out, you’re NOT depressed… don’t go there) or any sort of post-partum, bi-polar or other fun things, you need to be at Mental Health Camp. Admission is by donation, and no one will be turned back due to lack of funds. This is a big, inclusive group here in Vancouver…. we want you to come and to benefit from anything we can provide.

We’ll be at Workspace (21 Water Street, Vancouver, BC, 4th floor) at 830 in the morning (gasp! so early!) on Saturday, April 25th. Show up. Show your drama. Well, no, don’t do that - we hate drama in Vancouver, or at least I do, despite how it insists on following me about like a lost puppy - but certainly show up and admit that you’re just as fucked up as the rest of us.

This 9-5 (or more like 830-6 for me) thing is a real adjustment. I haven’t had a full time job in almost 10 years, and I’m used to sleeping until…. well, until I’m done. Instead, now, I’m up at 7 am and out of the house no later than 10 minutes past eight every morning. If i’m not out of the house by that time, I’m late, and that’s not good. At all.

I do not know how you people do it! How do you find time for laundry? It’s easier and faster to just go buy new jeans and tops than it is to actually clean them. When do you find the time to clean your house, go grocery shopping, or accomplishing anything that takes place during business hours at all??

I’m coming home and am ready (or need to be) to crash by 11 pm every school night. That means that my usual routine of being out and hanging with my friends is a moot point right now at least, unless it starts at 5 pm of course. Then it’s fine - as long as I’m home by 8 pm.

What the hell has happened to me!?  I’ve become a grown up! I’m all responsible and shit.  Dude. When the hell did that happen? I mean, sure, I’ve got the real job and all, and it’s awesome, and I love it - I go in every morning looking forward to my day; i stay longer than I’d initially planned, and I’m enjoying every task - but no where did it say that I’d have to be a grown up, yo.

I’m even planning to do a bunch of cooking on my sacred day-of-doing-nothing (sunday) so that I have lunches prepared. This week, I have three lunches out of 5 days, but I’ve also suggested and agreed to do a Cook the Book for the lovely Jen, since I found a book I’m interested in actually cooking.

Oh! that’s all for tonight - it’s almost bedtime and I’m not finished everything yet….

on the way up the (very short flight of) stairs leaving the office the other day, I managed to trip UP the last step and fell forward, purse and contents tumbling pretty much everywhere.

Yesterday, walking home from work (I managed to get up the three dasterdly stairs without incident), I made it allll the way to Bute and *almost* thurlow before managing to trip over a tree root that had pushed the sidewalk all up and weird, and was almost unable to stop myself. it was like gravity took over and decided to make me it’s bitch.

And I wonder where I get all the bruises from.

It’s a little weird that I’ve managed to fall while just walking home. Am I just really tired? Is there something wrong with my balance/inner ear? Have I lost complete control over the ability to move my body?? The hell??

Perhaps it’s time for me to go get some arnica for the bruises and mention it next time I see my doctor….

(ps - yeah, I’ll start to link up my posts, tag them and SEO them like a good girl soon, but in the meantime, I’m just happy to be able to write, whenever I want… I’m getting back into it, even if it’s slowly.)